To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together – The Byrds
As the clock striked midnight, and the cheers rang out in celebration of a new year, I felt indifferent. Though I was absolutely grateful to see not only another year, but the dawn of a new decade, I couldn’t help but feel that time had somewhat passed me by; like sand running through my fingers I had difficulty grasping. Where did 2010 go? To be transparent, in the midst of others cheers and excitement, I felt a little angry. The majority of my 2010 was consumed by the “Big C” as some call it. I was diagnosed in late April, surgery in late May, chemo from June to August, radiation from September to November, and still going to the doctor every 3 weeks for additional infusion treatments until July 2011. Nine of the twelve months of 2010, my energy was focused on a challenge that threw me for a loop. Kicking cancer’s butt was not on my New Year’s Resolution list for 2010, but nevertheless I did. Punks jump up to get beat down lol.
Along with the new year comes resolutions, this universal urgency to make changes for the better. For some reason, that pressure did not fall on me. Usually at the top of every year, I sit down and make a list of all the things I want to change this year, goals I want to fulfill, books I want to read, places I want to go. Not this year. I allowed myself to not let the calendar dictate my actions and instead just focus on one day at a time. The thing about change is that when you are really, truly ready to do it, at that point is when you will, and ultimately succeed. This year has been in session for 32 days, and in these few short weeks, I have made daily choices that have enhanced my life greatly. It wasn’t something I had to map out, I just did it. I am learning to just bask and live in the present moment, and not focusing on the laundry list of tasks to accomplish before year-end. I’m at a point in my life where I’m taking baby steps; back to the basics. I am re-training my mind to be a doer, and not just a talker. But first and foremost, I am proving to myself exactly what I am made of.
I did set myself to do two things this month: focus my energy on being mentally and physically healthy, and take it one week at a time. That formula has been working for me, which in turn encourages me to keep it up. And I’m also accepting the space I am currently in, trusting the rebuilding process. Before you know it, my baby steps will turn into full-out strides. But for now it’s step by step, and day by day…
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.