I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road
-Eminen “Not Afraid”
Last Thursday, I found myself walking into the same double doors I walked into the same time of year two years ago. I walked up to the desk; same receptionist, Ms. April. I get taken back to the exam room to be grilled by the same radiologist, Dr. Saini. Then I go meet with the consultation manager, Rana, same woman from two years ago. They escort me down to the treatment area for a simulation, where they measure and mark your body to line up with the radiation machines. The same nurse from two years ago was there. Same locker room, same robes, same chairs, same smell. It was like I walked into the Twilight Zone. 2008 was happening all over again, and for a a few minutes, I became extremely angry. I began to ask myself the questions I’ve been mulling over since summer of 2008. Why is this happening to me? This cannot be my reality? I have to come here everyday for the next 6 weeks?!? ARGH!! THIS CAN’T BE LIFE!!
I made the fatal mistake of going to the doctor alone that day. I thought I would be ok, I made it thru chemo with lots of support, but I had been thru radiation once before, so this will be a breeze. WRONG! As soon as I walked into the building, I became extremely nervous and sad. I just wanted to have someone I know to be at my side in that exact moment, but I knew it was my fault that I was alone. Close mouths don’t get fed.
So being the sensitive thug that I am, I shed 2 thug tears, and put on my happy face, just like Tupac said, “Dying inside, but outside you’re looking fearless”. Then I prayed in the spirit until the doctor came into the room. That definitely calmed me and helped me to refocus my energy on being positive and not emotional. She went over my information, basically the same script, different boob. 33 rounds of radiation, 5 days a week. I knew the drill, now it was just time to accept it and get started.
The treatments will take me into the 1st week or so of November. While I wasn’t too enthused about that, I thought back to that cold November day in 2008 when I went for my final radiation treatment. I cried so hard laying on the table my hair got wet and frizzed up. One of the nurses gave me a hug and tissue and told me how proud she was of me. Thankfully, I recognized that same sincerity and understanding on Thursday. Though my deja vu moment was overwhelming, I was so happy that one thing remained the same: the smiles and warmth of everyone on the staff. I could feel their concern, and their encouragement for me to remain positive and supply me with what I need every step of the way. It’s always a blessing to be supported, even if it comes from a stranger.
So I learned a valuable lesson that day: stop going to the doctor alone (lol), and ALWAYS look for the silver lining in the clouds. It’s there, you just have to look a bit harder. As much as things change, they stay the same, and there’s something very comforting about that…
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.